Disneyland is a fascinating place and I had an entertaining time recently when I took a full day off from the rigors of slinging’ porn and brought along my main squeeze for a fun-filled day in the sun.  The most surprising thing to me is that I barely saw the fucking mouse.  I would think I would see Mickey all over the place but I only saw his rodent head one quick time when I was walking into the Abraham Lincoln exhibit. The Lincoln exhibit is really good and that robotron looks and acts life-like but the sad fact is that nobody gives a fuck about Lincoln anymore not even the blacks.  The theater was so empty during the ‘performance’ that I could have boned my chick right there in the front row and nobody would have seen us except for Lincoln and the 1950’s era ushers that lined the entry and exit.   That’s what makes Disneyland so cool and so totally outdated at the same time is the fact that half of the stuff is from 1955.  Tomorrowland pretty much looks like it is living in the past and in need of an extreme makeover.  The best part though is Space Mountain which is much better than I remember back in 1994 which was the last time I was there when I worked as a musician during grad nights but all I could think of is I hope we don’t fly off the track.  There were a ton of kids there which of course is appropriate since it is Disneyland but watching many of them especially the young ones throw tantrums and yell at their parents made me appreciate the fact that I don’t want any of my own.  I love kids but they are a 24 hour a day job and life is hard enough as it is without having to worry about somebody needing to be fed or bathed.  I can do those sorts of things with the porn girls that come my way.  Anyway, we went on all sorts of attractions including the Haunted Mansion which is not really scary anymore to the boat ride through the jungle to the Small Small World exhibit.  Come to think of it, that damn song is still stuck in the back of my head and I would think that’s not the type of thing you would want to hear your wife humming on your honeymoon. I will say that the best part of the day or should I say night was the fireworks in front of the castle when that little Tinker Bell all lit up in bright glowing neon green went flying by at 200 feet in the air back and forth and around the castle. I’m sure they pay him/her a grip to do that because one broken wire and you would have Tinker Goo all over a dozen families wondering what the fuck just happened.  My girl had a wonderful time and I had a great time being with her but she was anxious to get home and get naked so we walked 800 yards out of the park, jumped on the tram and walked 600 additional yards to my car.  I had fun but Disneyland is definitely for kids and not for middle aged porn directors….unless I brought about 10 scantily clad porn starlets with me none wearing panties.  Hmmm I bet I’d see that mouse a whole bunch more then.

I really love Jennifer Lopez.  She’s beautiful and funny plus I enjoy much of her music and I really think she is a wonderful actress.  I usually have to be a fan of something or someone in order to create a porn parody on that subject and I can say I am a big lover of J-Lo.  I am super happy that she has once again exploded onto the national scene with her new job as a judge on American Idol, a new music tour coming this summer and a ton of TV commercials airing now.  So it gives me great pleasure that on April 28th our new porn parody movie Not Jennifer Lopez XXX: An American Idol comes out on DVD.  This movie is quite possibly our most twisted and it definitely has the best sex I’ve ever shot. I can tell you that the girl who plays Jennifer which we affectionately refer to as J-Ho is insanely hot.  She is a beautiful Latina named Renae Cruz and although I have not talked to the real Jennifer Lopez since the mid 1990s I really feel Renae has some of the same wonderful qualities that make J-Lo so great.  Nice ass, perfect tits, cute face, beautiful hair, great sense of humor and a love for wild sex.  Now I really don’t know if Jennifer Lopez loves wild sex but I would pretty much bet my money that she does.  I’ve heard enough private stories over the years to be pretty confident in that fact and also her husband, the very cool Latin singer Marc Anthony definitely does love sex.  Fuck, he’s latin and he used to be married to Miss Universe and now he’s married to People Magazine’s Most Beautiful Woman of 2011.  That dude is one lucky guy and I have met Marc on numerous occasions over the years and he is always a very intense but cool guy.  I just hope they don’t want to kill me when they find out about our Not Jennifer Lopez XXX movie.  They both have senses of humor, they both love sex and they both have huge bodyguards.  Oh well two out of three ain’t bad but really I hope they watch the movie because it is super funny, filled with great sex and has a huge surprise in it.  If you love J-Lo I think you will love J-Ho so pick it up at your favorite store next April 28th.  Check out the trailer here both PG and a Naked one

So I finally succumbed to serving jury duty.   It was only this past year that I started to receive jury duty notices in the mail and I have postponed them each chance I had until I could postpone no more. I reported to the downtown LA courthouse at 7:30 AM and was brought through a maze of security and into the jury pool for lessons on how to be a successful juror.  Now I think I know what it takes because I’ve watched a lot of courtroom shows on TV but they gave us instructions in excruciatingly fine detail such as how to unfold your jury summons and fill out the back side correctly.  Now how hard could this be I thought to myself as I sat next to a big fat dude that kept shaking his leg so hard that he caused the entire row of chairs to shake with him.  I filled out my paperwork very quickly as after all I am an educated man and I wanted others to know I was good like that.  There were about 150 people in this large boring room and sadly I was one of only 6 called up to the podium in front of a roomful of Americana as one of the idiots that filled out the form wrong.  Are you kidding me?  I directed Not the Bradys XXX and reinvented porn parody I thought to myself.  I think I can fill out some paperwork but when I made that twenty foot walk back to my vibrating seat I had to withstand the stares of an entire roomful of mental patients, infirmed, poor, disenfranchised and declining middle class.  They announced two groups of jurors who were walked off to a courtroom for their interviews.  I remained in my seat now fully enjoying the 25 cent chair vibrations like those old beds in motels decades ago.  Another group was called and still my name was not read.  Finally after another hour they announced my name and I was super excited to be picked.  Yes, yes a murder trial perhaps or a kidnapping?  No, they told me I had been assigned to the LA Municipal Court 19 blocks away.  Are you kidding me?  Traded? Where’s my signing bonus?  I made my way to the other side of downtown LA and spotted some really cute girls on their lunch breaks along the way.  If you haven’t been downtown lately try it and enjoy all the beautiful babes there.  I couldn’t really enjoy and of that as I had a courtroom that needed me so I quickly found myself in a new jury pool waiting, wondering and killing more time.  I read every magazine of every genre and even checked up on Kacey Jordan’s Twitter hoping that she was still alive but finally got a treat when I read the eighties unpublished John Lennon interview in Rolling Stone Magazine.  John talked about pussy, fucking and music so it was pretty good and helped me kill thirty minutes.  There were zero hot girls waiting for their jury call as sexy girls are reserved for judge’s chambers and cocktail hour.  Finally I got called for a potential case but it was close to 5PM and the day was finished and I had to return the next morning.  More of the same awaited me (waiting and boredom) and before I could fulfill my American duty and sit on the jury in a court of law the lawyers came to an agreement and solved the case and I was dismissed.  Fuck!!!!!!! This was nothing like I had envisioned and I hope I never see the inside of another jury pool as long as I live.

 

Now tonight I am going to a St. Patty’s Day porn party and life as I know it will be back to normal.

This is an exciting time of the year for me as I love college basketball and I enjoy watching Marquette and Wisconsin compete in the NCAA tournament also known as March Madness.  I am not sure if they can win any games this time but one person that is no longer ‘winning’ is Charlie Sheen who has his own version of March Madness taking place in his head.  I have enjoyed his witty remarks that seem fueled by drugs, alcohol and sex and I thought his interview on ABC’s 20/20 last week was some of the best television I had ever seen but I am beginning to change my perspective on this entire situation now that he seems to be falling into the abyss. We’ve certainly had fun here at X-Play and sitcums.com with our Charlie’s House of Horrors XXX movie and our tie in to his live-in goddess Bree Olson with our Bionic Woman XXX porno that she stars in but I saw him on TV this morning he looks ten times worse than he did just a few days ago.  After surprisingly getting canned by CBS he looks gaunt, pale and totally fucked up and I like many others am hoping he can pull out of this kamikaze like tailspin because he needs help.  I know he is not listening to anybody and he is at war but if there is anybody that might be able to talk some sense into him it might be the two goddesses that are living with him and one in particular.  Bree darling (if you are still in LA or if you are in Fort Wayne get on a plane and come back), if you read this blog (and I know you have before) please use your extremely lovely vagina as a lure to get him into rehab. Yes I said it!  I know that is not a conventional method of convincing somebody that they need treatment but you have a very unconventional pussy and it must be put to good use at this very precarious moment.  Dole it out like they did when they rationed gasoline during World War 2.  Let him know it’s there and willing but don’t give it to him unless he is willing to talk to a therapist and then only once and then again after treatment is complete.  You can let him see your vag, maybe even touch it but don’t let him taste it or have sex with it unless he is ready to jump on the private jet and run off to 3 months of treatment at some faraway remote facility. No in house rehab will do.  

I have seen what you can do with your pussy and it is fantastic and I seriously think the proper utilization of your ponanny could be the missing link to what we all hope will be a happy ending for Charlie Sheen and not that type of happy ending.  I know you said you would marry him but really you can’t right now it just wouldn’t be right to marry him in this state (or any other state for that matter) but I am telling you there is a future for you two and the world will be a better place if he is still in it.  If you are in Indiana, I implore you to get on an airplane and I know you really hate to fly but get on the plane or rather in the plane as it is less windy inside and come to the aid of your man as he needs you violently right now.  Love him dangerously and crush him with devastating passion because you both are at war right now fighting the administratively challenged people at CBS and Chuck Lorre productions even though they did the right thing.  Help Charlie get well so he can create a bond of warlocks and droopy eyed armless children at war that will unite to keep him upright.  The world will lose a talented albeit drug addicted man if he goes bye-bye so let’s not allow that to happen plus it might not be good for DVD sales.  I know my plan might seem far-fetched to some but you people don’t understand the depth of magma that is oozing out of his colossal brain and running down to form a stalagmite of massive knowledge that others can never comprehend in this or any other world.  Winning!  I don’t think so but maybe, just maybe Bree Olson’s vagina can keep the star of Major League (shot in Milwaukee) around for another ten years.  Go Charlie, Go Bree, Go Bree’s Lovely Vagina!